Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Life is Full of Disappointments

Okay, I totally apologize for the gloom and doom title of this blog post.  I have had a lot of people say that my blog has inspired them...so, at this point, they may be putting on their "Fray" album, turning the lights off, lighting some patchouli incense, and preparing to cry about my grim outlook on life. 

But, I would be remiss as a blogger, a person, and a Weight Watchers member and staff member if I didn't share the good with the bad.  But, if you bear with me and my disjointed thoughts, I think there's something good that comes out of every disappointment, challenge, or obstacle.

Life has been crazy.  I just feel like everything has been in flux.  I feel like I'm either coming or going or coming and going at the same time.  I think the best word to use would be overwhelmed.  It's a crazy time for any Student Services Professional...Then throw in the fact that I have a part time job and it is downright nutty.

With everything that's been going on, I kind of feel like like the past month has had its fair share of disappointments (my God, I feel like I should put on tons of guyliner, wear a hoodie from Hot Topic, and complain about how miserable my life is while standing outside a 7-11 when I should be in school instead...)

1) I'm running the Long Branch Half Marathon in two weekends.  It will be my 5th Half Marathon.  Have I trained as much as I should have...not at all.  I am the definition of unprepared  My last long run was during one of those unseasonable warm days in February or March.  It was 7 miles.  A half marathon is a little less than twice that.  At this point, I'm just hoping for muscle memory to kick in to survive this one.  I am also praying to the weather gods that it's decent out, because "too hot" or "too wet" or "too cold" weather is going to give me a reason to stay in bed.  I wanted to beat my best time, and I'm going to try my damnedest, I am just totally NOT ready.  At least I've been going to Body Attack and Spin when I can.

2) I feel like it's harder to stay focused.  February and March might've been the two toughest months for me in terms of staying at goal.  I honestly felt like I would just take the month to play catch up just so I could log in a good weight.  I was playing "trick the scale" for sure.  Then, this past week, I was focused and committed and tracked everything.  I even worked out twice a week and ran a 5K in 25 minutes.  Yet, I posted a gain at the scale.  In fact, if it was my official weigh in, I'd be right at my maximum. 

I was frustrated for sure, but I also needed to remind myself that I had cheated the scale long enough and had probably gotten some free passes in the past few months, so I needed to be knocked down a peg and put in my place a bit. 

BUT, here's the one positive "take away" (they have been overusing this term on the "Today" show like crazy this week) from this disappointing experience - I am even more motivated this week to do well.  I will also need to continue that motivation so I can post a loss this week AND that I can be prepared for my weigh-in in 2 weeks.  I am determined to be below goal when I hit a year at lifetime and when I run the Long Branch Half.  So, with disappointment comes determination.  It's not what happens to me that determines my path in life, it's how I choose to respond.

I am also warning anyone from my normal meeting who reads this.  If I hit a year at lifetime at goal, there will be tears. 

3) This week, we celebrated at a Weight Watchers Awards Ceremony.  I had been joking the entire time that I better get an award.  It's not arrogance, it's merely overconfidence that I portray to cover up the fact that I still have glaring insecurities about my appearance, my performance at work, and so many other aspects of my life.  Well, as it turns out, there was a Rookie Receptionist of the Year award.  The moment before they announced who won, I honestly said a quick prayer that my name would be called.  It wasn't. 

Now, now, now...I want to be 100% crystal clear here.  A receptionist who started and trained with me won it.  She totally deserves it.  As another receptionist said - she is as "sweet as a sugar cube."  She is phenomenal at delivering the service vision and I love working with her and she is phenomenal with the members (sorry for the horrible run on sentence.) So, my disappointment is NOT over the fact that she won...Nor do I believe that she didn't deserve to win.  I just want to be clear.  I do drink Haterade a lot, but never would I drink it about the people I work with at Weight Watchers, especially Jess. 

I'm not disappointed that someone else won.  I'm disappointed that I didn't do enough to get recognized.
When there are awards for things that I give 100% to, I want to win them.  I have this sick and unealthy need for validation.  I'm sure it's rooted in the fact that I was picked last in grammar school...and high school...and I'm pretty sure if I took gym in college, I'd be picked last there too. 

So, when I threw myself into the position, I thought I was really great at it.  Not winning an award makes me feel like maybe I'm not as good as I thought it was.  Isn't it great how my mind works?! 

However, it did encourage me to push myself harder and do better as a receptionist.  It also gives me a reason to do more so I can win Receptionist of the Year...or maybe even take the jump and try for Rookie Leader of the Year.  So, the positive "take away" is just to strive for more and make sure I am giving the best of me to my position as a receptionist.

Oh, and I also wasn't even nominated for a SOAR award for Advisor of the Year...Don't.even.get.me.started!

4) My life has been in such flux because I am waiting to hear if I was successful in a really exciting job that I had an interview for.  For those of you who don't know, I've been trying to take the next step in my career for about two years now.  I have been on three separate campuses for interviews and feel I've always stumbled at crossing the finish line.  As I wait to hear about the most recent position, I can't help but feel it's not going to go my way.  I guess I'm just used to being disappointed, so when I'm left waiting for news, I just expect it to be bad.

It's just hard to stay focused on everything else, when I am hoping to be somewhere else in the next two weeks.  And like I told a good friend, I'm darn tired of having to regroup and "survive."

In fact, I had a conversation with a good friend about this exact topic.  My mother always raised me with the idea that "Nobody ever said life was fair."  I always accepted it, but there was always a part of me that believed that my Mom had to be wrong.  There has to be some type of karmic retribution, right?!  Life can't be UNFAIR all of the time, right?!  Somewhere along the way, probably mid-way through my time at Monmouth, I decided I wanted to make life fair.  I wanted to move karma along a bit.  Yeah, how's that working for you, Eric...

(And seriously, I promise, I am never this emo or whiny.  I'm a generally positive guy...really.  I swear.  In fact, recently,  I've only been listening to happy songs on my iPod.)

And there's so many other things I get down about...I'm still single, I still live paycheck to paycheck, I can't have a puppy...

However, with all the disappointment, I guess I have discovered how resilient I am.  I may not be a perfect Weight Watchers member or a perfect Monmouth employee right now, but god dammit, I am trying my best.  Like today, I pushed myself as hard as I could at Body Attack.  I'd like to meet someone who can sideflick as hard as I can. 

I am doing what I can to remain positive and remind myself that everything happens for a reason. 

Most importantly, I'm NOT giving up.  I could just stop going to the gym...or I could bury myself in some beer and Chinese food...but, I am pushing myself harder to learn how I can be better in everything that I'm doing.  My refrigerator is stocked with produce...and I need to remind myself that I friggin' ran a 5K in 25 Minutes!!!!!

And today, FatMumSlim's PhotoA Day challenge on Instagram (Mochnacz is my username, shameless plug for followers) for April was something I'm grateful for.  I'm grateful for the role that fitness has played in my life and my weight loss.  When I go to the gym, I go hard.  In that I can't be disappointed.

So, I'll leave you with a rather artisitic picture of my bicep...just because -

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