tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39919252060915808622024-03-13T17:51:44.818-04:00I Wrote a Thing...I write a thing. I post it to a blog.
Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-7910714422335821902018-04-03T14:57:00.002-04:002018-04-04T08:30:36.324-04:00Why Love, Simon is so important...<a href="https://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BNTMyZDdiMzUtZjcxNS00Mjc3LTljY2UtYjI4YmY5NzJlYjc1XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTA5OTkwNTc@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Image result for love, simon" border="0" class="irc_mi" height="268" src="https://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BNTMyZDdiMzUtZjcxNS00Mjc3LTljY2UtYjI4YmY5NzJlYjc1XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTA5OTkwNTc@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg" style="margin-top: 103px;" width="182" /></a>One of my fondest memories from my pre-teen years was going to see <i>10 Things I Hate About You</i> with my three siblings and then sneaking into see <i>Never Been Kissed</i> immediately after. Sorry, AMC, please don't arrest me. I sat through the <i>Night L</i><i>istener</i>, so let's consider it even.<br />
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At that age, I probably knew I was different. As much as I thought I should find Larisa Oleynik cute (and she was), I was more concerned about who I would pick if given the choice between Joseph Gordon Levitt and Andrew Keegan. As creepy as it was for Michael Vartan to fall for Drew Barrymore, because technically he was her teacher, he was kind of hot, so it was okay. And as much as I was thinking these things, I would never TELL anyone.<br />
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And, at the end of all of these movies, the girl gets the guy. That was normal. That was what was supposed to happen. Girls and guys were entitled to their romantic movie moment. It was reserved for them.<br />
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But what if you were a guy...who liked guys? What did that mean for me?<br />
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So, I guess that's why I am having such a visceral and emotional reaction to <i>Love, Simon</i>. It's literally 3 days later, and I can't stop thinking about it. I downloaded the soundtrack today and bawled on my way to work while listening to it. For the first time in my 35 years of existence, I feel like my experience as a closeted gay teen was finally honestly portrayed on screen. (Potential <i>Love, Simon </i>spoilers ahead as I process my feelings with words.)<br />
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When I was in college, the only access I had to queer entertainment was through Netflix. It was limited to the <i>Eating Out</i> movies and <i>Queer as Folk</i>. The <i>Eating Out</i> movies were pretty horrific - a gay guy tries to deceive a hot, muscular "straight" guy into fooling around with him. It starred Jim Verraros from <i>American Idol...</i>'nuff said. But, that's all we had back then...in the days of Netflix delivering DVDs. Yes, I'm that old. <i>Queer as Folk, </i>as groundbreaking as it was, was merely just 4 hot gay friends having lots of sex and learning the value of friendship along the way. I was a fat college kid at a Catholic University who couldn't really relate to any of this.<br />
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The characters were gay, but they weren't human. They weren't real. They weren't genuine. At least for me they weren't - the ONLY thing we had in common was our gayness. And as much as I would like to say what I saw was reflected on the screen, the one time a group of gay "friends" took me out to a club, they got me drunk, made fun of me the entire time, and then tried to take advantage of me on the ride home. Because they weren't successful, I became their target for my senior year of college. So, there's that.<br />
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What I love about <i>Love, Simon </i>and what makes it different are these little moments that rang so very true, that I felt my heart stop or I smiled or I cried...because for once, I believed someone got it right. Simon was actually reflecting my experience. He was me.<br />
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The whole plot is that Simon decides to out contact a classmate through an anonymous E-mail after a this classmate, nicknamed "Blue", outs himself on an anonymous secrets website. At the beginning, Simon can't put his phone down when he waits expectantly for Blue to respond. It's the anticipation we all have when are waiting to hear from someone we like. It's even more powerful because this is more - Simon has found someone who may actually understand him. When Blue finally responds, it ends up being one of the purest, most powerful and most touching Internet romances I have ever seen portrayed on screen. They share their likes, their dislikes, they flirt...they fall in love.<br />
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The reason this impacted me so much is because although the year is different, the experience is the same. Instead of anonymous GMail accounts, it was anonymous AOL screen names. You reached out to someone in a chatroom who said they went to the same University you did. You asked for guys' AIM screen names because maybe, just maybe, they were into you too. These little things are what made Simon so relatable and why the move continues to resonate.<br />
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As time goes on, we learn that Blue is most likely one of three people. Is it Bram, the star athlete? He mentioned liking Halloween Oreos immediately after Blue told Simon he liked Halloween Oreos. But then the heartbreak after Simon walks in on Bram making out with a girl in a Minion costume.<br />
Damn slutty minions.<br />
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I've been there. I know that feeling of joy when maybe someone drops a hint...but the defeat when it turns out to just be wishful thinking.<br />
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Is it Lyle? The cute Waffle House waiter...who is just really friendly. How easy was it for me to confuse friendliness with attraction, especially if he was cute? And what happens if Lyle is actually into your female friend?! Dammit Lyle, can't I just have this one thing!??!?<br />
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Or maybe it's Cal? The super nice piano player in the musical's orchestra? I find it essential that although Simon is part of the musical, he is not the lead, nor is it something he is particularly good at. It's not essential to his identity and doesn't contribute to some idea of a stereotypical gay male lead.<br />
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Also, I can appreciate the fact that at least three of male cast i know of have publicly identified their queerness.<br />
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These were all genuine, real, emotional moments that truly were a reflection of what I went through back in college. I started cheering for Simon with each of these, because I had been there, I had felt that, it was me on screen. That's the difference with having a gay protagonist...the attraction, the flirting, the hints, the sideways glances...is it just normal human interaction, or is there more?! Because straight is the default...there's a deeper layer of need for acceptance and understanding that hasn't been portrayed in teen romantic comedies before.<br />
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This is so emotionally resonant with me because this truly was the first time I felt portrayed on screen. This message continues to sit in my heart. I was even still excited talking about it with a colleague today at lunch.<br />
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When Simon is outed, I felt it in my bones and guts. What Nick Robinson put on screen was exactly what I went through. Fear, sadness, anger, desperation, more sadness, lots of tears. I was torn apart when Blue deleted his E-mail account...because I know what it's like to go on a drive with someone, bare your sole, and discover their account didn't exist the next morning.<br />
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Simon, in his desperation to just feel real and connected because Blue has disappeared...goes up to a classmate and practically begs to know if he is Blue. The fear of losing the one connection he had was so palpable, I felt it. We all just want to know that someone out there understands us...that we are desperate to cling to that someone who makes it seem real. And when they aren't, it is devastating.<br />
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In some ways, I controlled my coming out story. In other ways, I was outed on others' terms. Even with the secret AOL screen names and promises of privacy, others thought it was their responsibility to let others know I was gay throughout college. They did it to me, they did it to a lot of other people. Are you shocked to know it's the same "friends" who took me out for my birthday? Even in my adult life, I feel like I've been forced to come out against in my will in order to defend myself or validate my actions.<br />
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So when Simon confronts his outer and speaks about how it was up to him to tell his story. It was his personal journey. No one else should take that from him...you would have needed to mop me up in a puddle of my own tears. If this movie had been out when I was in college, I like to think I would've been able to stand up for myself and own my experience - because I deserve that. I wanted to be Simon, screaming with genuine emotion at the people who felt they had rights to my coming out.<br />
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At the end of the day, someone choosing to come out is their story. Don't rob it from them.<br />
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All of this is done with an amazing score and amazing music (see above, it made me cry...surprising, I know. I just have a lot of feelings.) And the movie just isn't about Simon...it's about his four close friends who are just trying to do their best to connect and make it through high school. But, for once, the two straight people finding love isn't the center of the story...the gay kid is. That's what is important. In fact, there's a moment when Simon's best friend, Leah, during a sleepover says one of the most relatable things I have ever heard in a movie -<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Sometimes I feel like I’m always on the outside, there’s this invisible line that I have to cross to really be a part of everything and I just can’t ever cross it."</span></span><br />
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Are you surprised I'm an emotional wreck after this one?<br />
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I won't spoil the identity of Blue. But, I did warn you there were some spoilers...Simon (and Blue) get to write the first page of their love story. It all works out for him and Blue in the end. I gasped (and cried, of course) at the reveal of Blue.<br />
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As much as I am drawing parallels, the star athlete, the cute waiter, or the theatre guy didn't turn out to be the guy behind the screen name. I never had the perfectly orchestrated, kiss at the top of the Ferris wheel <i>Love, Simon </i>moment. And although that is the money shot, I think it's more about what happens after the Ferris Wheel. Blue is now part of Simon's morning routine of driving to school and getting iced coffee...and when Blue gets in the car, he and Simon get to share a kiss, like any other couple, in front of their friends, as they start their day.<br />
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At my age, do I sometimes get angry or sad that I didn't have the top of the Ferris Wheel moment? Sure. Is it rational for me to still want something that only happens to teenagers in romantic comedies? Maybe not. Am I jealous of all the kids coming of age, discovering themselves now who have this movie to tell them they aren't alone? Absolutely. Would I go back in time and hope that I would get my experience with my own personal Blue...Yes. But, this is reality. And 20 years ago was a lot different for a gay kid.<br />
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I, however, am just happy to finally see my experience, my emotions, my life reflected on screen in such a powerful, honest, genuine way. It was told with heart and with humor.<br />
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That's why this movie continues to stick with me.<br />
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But maybe it's not about having the big moment...because Simon and I had some pretty similar small moments, and that matters -<br />
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...the moment you can finally exhale because your Mom always knew something was holding you back, and now that it's not holding you back anymore, she still loves you...<br />
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(Sidenote - are we really at the point in history where Jennifer Garner and Josh Duhamel are old enough to play a teenager's parent?)<br />
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(Second Sidenote - The movie may seem super serious, but it's also really fun and moves deftly between the two styles. Right after I am weeping as Josh Duhamel starts weeping for never realizing Simon was gay and apologizes for making gay jokes, we get this -<br />
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Josh Duhamel as a Hot Dad - "Hey I thought maybe we could sign up for Grindr together."<br />
Simon - "You don't know what Grindr is, do you?"<br />
Josh Duhamel as a Hot Dad - "It's Facebook for gay people.")<br />
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...the moment of silent, unspoken understanding between you and your little sister...<br />
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...the moment you just have to tell a friend, any friend, and you do, and it is all okay...<br />
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...the moment you get to kiss a guy you like (even if it's not on top of the Ferris Wheel)...<br />
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Yeah, I'm a 35 year old obsessed and touched by a teen romantic comedy...but after this blog, I hope you understand why.<br />
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Love,<br />
Eric<br />
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ps - see what I did there?<br />
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pps - I know that the film, although amazing, does have some privilege blind spots. I know it is not a story that reflects everyone's queer experience. But it does reflect a queer experience, and that's important. I know some may also find issue with Nick Robinson playing queer for the camera, but his performance is strong. As said above, there are other queer actors involved, and they do their characters justice.<br />
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<br />Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-47840731721931071472018-03-26T16:29:00.004-04:002018-03-26T16:32:31.463-04:00I gave up social media for Lent...and this is what happened...Yes.<br />
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This lapsed Catholic gave up something for Lent.<br />
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I know, I know. God probably would've preferred I give up kissing boys for Lent, but you can't give up what you aren't getting.<br />
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I went for it.</div>
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I deleted all social media apps from my phone and didn't do much on Facebook. </div>
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What did I learn?</div>
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- Social media isn't inherently bad. It's useful for event planning, information sharing, and pictures of cute babies and puppies. The reason I didn't deactivate my account completely was because I needed to stay up to date on the Crossfit Open and our own gym's intramural open. It's not bad to know what's going on in peoples' lives. I have learned about some pretty cool events merely because they were advertised on Facebook. </div>
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-Social media becomes bad when we confuse it for real life. I am constantly reminded that social media is a carefully curated highlight reel of someone's life. For every beautifully sculpted abdomen I see, we don't see that same guy crying because he can't experience the joy of downing an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's while watching an early 90s romantic comedy. </div>
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-There's something exciting about mystery. If I am posting my every waking thought and moment on Facebook, what can I bring to the table in person?! Do we really want our conversations to merely be about what we posted on Facebook? Or do we want to talk about new and different things that excite us? I have lots of thoughts and opinions, it doesn't mean I need to share every single one with my followers. </div>
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-I like taking photos and documenting my experiences. Again, this isn't inherently bad. Taking a picture with our phone is no different than your grandmother taking a picture of you during your first trip at Disney World with the Kodak disposable camera. But, nothing can substitute the art of experiencing something. A selfie with your friends is great...but putting your phone down and being present with them and engaging is much better. </div>
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-People are really fun to talk to. Because my phone was pretty much a brick that I could text with once I got rid of social media, I wasn't compelled to check my phone every five minutes. When I was with my friends, my phone stayed in my pocket a lot more. I recognized how more respectful I was being of their time and how much more I enjoyed my time with them. We do "Friday Night Lights" during the Crossfit Open at my gym, and I got to appreciate a deeper level of friendship with people because I spent time chatting with them, rather than being buried in my phone. My friends received a more genuine, engaged, open, and REAL Eric. I owed that much to them. </div>
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-People like me and missed me. Although removing myself from social media was ultimately better for my mental health, my absence did cause some friends to reach out to me and see if I was okay. So, your actions or lack of actions go noticed, even if you may not know it.</div>
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-I missed it. I missed sharing artistic pictures of donuts. I missed making witty comments on stati. I missed tweeting inane thoughts about getting drunk and eating potato skins with Kathy Bates (admit it - she would be a HOOT!) I missed seeing my friends Snapchatted as rainbow vomiting unicorns. But, not having it made me put less value on the product and more value on the people behind it. My friends are my friends, even if they aren't vomiting rainbows, ya know? And now that I'm back (I ended the fast a little early...sue me), I appreciate it more as a tool - not as the be all end all of existence in our technology-heavy society. </div>
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So, it's good to be back...but I will remind myself of these past 40(ish) days whenever I find myself falling into a dark social media rabbit hole.</div>
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And like my friend Kelaine said in her Prompt piece here - </div>
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<a href="http://www.thepromptmag.com/suckers-beware-comparison-thief-joy/">http://www.thepromptmag.com/suckers-beware-comparison-thief-joy/</a></div>
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Now, who can get me in contact with Kathy Bates's agent...because really...It's time she and I drunkenly ingest some 'tato skins.</div>
Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-60678728175722019852017-12-20T14:10:00.004-05:002017-12-20T14:10:55.821-05:00#3...#2...#1...Lessssss go!<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>#3 - Colin Friggin' Frissell</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've decided to wrap this thing up today, because come tomorrow at 5 pm, I'll be as drunk and tired as Mariah Carey at an egg nog tasting. Sometimes, when I drink too much holiday cheer, I find the nearest gingerbread village and pretend I'm Godzilla...and then pass out in the ruins. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Guys, you had to have known this was coming. Every time Colin Frissell is on screen, it's like nails on a chalkboard. I understand he is meant to provide some comic relief, but holy hell, it's evident that subtlety is not his strong suit. His main story line is that he is going to travel to America (Madison, Wisconsin specifically) to unleash his unique brand of sexual terror upon the masses...Mainly because no woman in Britain will sleep with him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let's review a sampling of some of the things he says to or around the women of Britain -</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I am Colin. God of sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the middle of the airport - "Watch out, America. Here comes Colin Frissell...and he's got a big knob." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm on shag highway heading west."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Try my lovely nuts." This is said to a woman in the office where he delivers sandwiches.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady." Said, again, in the same office.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not to mention his horrible attempt at picking up Nancy the horrible wedding caterer. And he even tries to hit on Mia, and you know she isn't having it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How is ANY of this acceptable? Sure, 2003 was a simpler time...but sexual harassment was still a thing. </span><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--KTw34pb8fg/WjqB_9U0-dI/AAAAAAAAFzs/w-JlEdJPx_EFGkyO7ZhEYniXlJk7rJ6awCLcBGAs/s1600/43660.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--KTw34pb8fg/WjqB_9U0-dI/AAAAAAAAFzs/w-JlEdJPx_EFGkyO7ZhEYniXlJk7rJ6awCLcBGAs/s1600/43660.gif" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I hate you Colin Friggin' Frissell. You make me cringe. You're not charming. You're not funny. You're accent DOES NOT make you more attractive. You are the farthest thing from what I imagine a God of Sex to be like. The only God of Sex in "Love Actually" is Karl. Or at least we are all left imagining what he would be like in bed because of Sarah's damn phone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Colin Friggin' Frissell, go say "bottle" and "straw" somewhere else.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>#2 - Harry</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't think I need to go too much in this one. But this right here is why he's the worst -</span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--r9hvGC4wfI/WjqLskNW6uI/AAAAAAAAF0A/p6I0p_rURdgoU0jL8zpiBTvL2rt3_U-0wCLcBGAs/s1600/Alan-Rickman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="744" data-original-width="615" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--r9hvGC4wfI/WjqLskNW6uI/AAAAAAAAF0A/p6I0p_rURdgoU0jL8zpiBTvL2rt3_U-0wCLcBGAs/s320/Alan-Rickman.jpg" width="264" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not to mention, he did THIS to Emma Thompson. And whenever I watch the damn scene, I ugly cry too. So, congratulations Alan Rickman as Harry, you made us ALL ugly cry for Christmas.</span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uDv3-7Ko0JE/WjqLXjIICRI/AAAAAAAAFz8/qGHQGhcXWpkkuF0uS_dEM6mvHO3zYeIsgCLcBGAs/s1600/Love-Actually-Karen--1450236708.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="253" data-original-width="500" height="161" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uDv3-7Ko0JE/WjqLXjIICRI/AAAAAAAAFz8/qGHQGhcXWpkkuF0uS_dEM6mvHO3zYeIsgCLcBGAs/s320/Love-Actually-Karen--1450236708.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And the necklace he got for Mia was ugly as sin. I'm not going to condone cheating, but if you are getting something for your mistress, maybe it shouldn't look like a piece of papier mache noodle art. But that's just me I guess.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Harry is so horrible, I actually feel sympathy for Professor Snape and Hans Gruber. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>#1 - Mia</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sure, Harry is bad but MIA IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. </span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-asxRsrHu4wo/WjqUBrjXTPI/AAAAAAAAF0U/6TGYzPsUDo8Z-cvg8N1pFeXW5QUZTAmiQCLcBGAs/s1600/fe818e50-1dce-44ac-9671-cbe36ba2d400.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="432" data-original-width="1014" height="136" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-asxRsrHu4wo/WjqUBrjXTPI/AAAAAAAAF0U/6TGYzPsUDo8Z-cvg8N1pFeXW5QUZTAmiQCLcBGAs/s320/fe818e50-1dce-44ac-9671-cbe36ba2d400.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Look at her. She's just so...smug...and homewreckey. If you haven't seen the movie, in this scene, she opens her legs to convince her boss that she wants a "Christmas gift." Real subtle there, Mia.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, I know full well that Harry and Mia both choose to engage in this affair and ruin a marriage. Perhaps you may think I am clearly allowing my gender bias to influence my rankings. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I OBJECT! A lady friend of mine turned to me immediately during this scene and outright demand that Mia be #1 on this list. SO THERE. I dislike homewreckers equally. And if this ranking really ruffles your candy canes, feel free to switch them up in your mind. Feel free to debate it over Christmas dinner with your drunk Republic uncle!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let's also review the fact that she dresses up as SATAN for the office Christmas party. First, Halloween was two months ago, lady. Second, don't @ me trying to defend a woman who cosplays as the Prince of Darkness to celebrate the holidays with her co-workers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We are going to ignore the fact that MARK...yes, cue card MARK, is her date to the party. She completely ignores him so she can make her move on Harry, in plain sight of Karen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What the HELL, lady?! You.are.horrible!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Apparently, Harry did give her the gold spray-painted macaroni necklace, and she wears it like a predator proudly displaying the teeth of her victims around her neck. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She even flirts a little with the Prime Minister when he accidentally shows up at her door. Girrrrrrrlllllll...I'm all about being confident in your sexuality, but you've already ruined one marriage, try not to the ruin the whole of Great Britain. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Merry Christmas!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Happy New Year!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A candy cane for Glenn Coco and all of you...and none for Gretchen Wieners (or Mia)...bye.</span><br />
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Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-63677017008928371642017-12-19T15:09:00.001-05:002017-12-19T15:12:06.495-05:00The 4th Worst Person in "Love Actually"<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#4 - Karl</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Let's set the scene. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's 2003. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A college senior is on the cusp of discovering his sexuality.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A new company called Netflix will send DVDs (digital video discs) directly to this student's dorm room.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, he requests "Love Actually", a feel-good Christmas romance.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He gets comfy in his Twin XL bed to enjoy the fact that a DVD got sent DIRECTLY to his college mailbox AND he won't have to worry about insane Blockbuster late fees.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">SPOILER ALERT - this college student is ME! Shocking twist, right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I am also a die hard romantic at 21. I think my heart blackened and died around age 23?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, I cannot WAIT for Laura Linney's Sarah to have her Dawson's Creek moment with the SMOLDERING and SEXY Karl, played by the SMOLDERING AND SEXY Rodrigo Santoro.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Who didn't realize they were a little bit, if not totally, gay after this?</span><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_WHsU-9Ig1o/Wjlu29fqvBI/AAAAAAAAFzc/qI8IVp-WkR8Il-ieaTLI1o1Bq2nm0qTCwCLcBGAs/s1600/635846235596351652-860847295_Love-Actually-love-actually-578230_1024_576.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="1024" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_WHsU-9Ig1o/Wjlu29fqvBI/AAAAAAAAFzc/qI8IVp-WkR8Il-ieaTLI1o1Bq2nm0qTCwCLcBGAs/s320/635846235596351652-860847295_Love-Actually-love-actually-578230_1024_576.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But, NO. We don't get our happy ending. Sarah doesn't get her happy ending. Colin Friggin' Frissell gets his happy ending (in fact, it would appear he gets at least four.) But not poor Sarah.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Why does Karl suck so much?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">One, in this scene, he puts his clothes back on, rather than taking more off. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Two, he proceeds to totally disregard the fact that Sarah has taken an urgent phone call. Mid-hook up, when an emergency call has come in, at least have the heart to make sure everything is okay. But nope...nary a "How can I help?" to the woman who was just straddling you moments before.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Then, a few scenes later...Karl rolls up to Sarah's desk, when they are all alone in the office and merely says "Good night." That's it. Nothing more. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In a movie where pretty much everyone else gets who and what they want...Karl is absolutely one of the freakin' worst. What he should've done is figured out from Alan Rickman's Harry where Sarah was always going...and in a grand romantic gesture, show up to Sarah's brother's hospital to HELP HER. RIGHT?!??! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You know that's how you wanted that story to end. Admit it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The one saving grace is he is still pretty with his shirt off...but pretty damn useless in "Lost" as Paolo. So, I guess if you want to ruin a TV show or movie with a useless character, hire Rodrigo Santoro.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-77254333009668519222017-12-19T11:35:00.000-05:002017-12-19T11:35:37.978-05:00The 5th Worst Person in "Love Actually"<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thank you for sticking with me. It's good to know I have, like, two people across the far reaches of the Internet universe who enjoy my writing on a somewhat consistent basis. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was an idea conceived over too many half-priced watermelon martinis at Houlihan's, as all good/bad ideas tend to be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And whether you love or hate "Love Actually", you need to admit there are some pretty horrible people peppered through the Christmas classic. I am firmly in the "love" category, but as mentioned, the cynicism that comes with living through the dumpster fire that is 2017 has made this all possible.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, with no further ado, we enter the "Top 5" of the Worst People in "Love Actually." I feel like Billy Mack did when he beat Blue for the #1 Christmas hit in that movie "Love Actually."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>#5 - Rufus, the Jewelry Salesman</b></span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QLMp3z2OCk0/Wjk1RHMBtbI/AAAAAAAAFzM/aIm9gordavAPXJR_gHHVFF1kmsuhWvoogCLcBGAs/s1600/maxresdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QLMp3z2OCk0/Wjk1RHMBtbI/AAAAAAAAFzM/aIm9gordavAPXJR_gHHVFF1kmsuhWvoogCLcBGAs/s320/maxresdefault.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">According to something I read on the Internet (and if you read it on the Internet, it must be true), it was meant to be revealed that Rufus was, in fact, an angel. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wait, wut?! Richard Curtis must've been smoking some pretty potent mistletoe laced with hallucinogenic reindeer antler if he thought that was going to be a good idea. Let's take a story (relatively) grounded in reality and add an angel. If he had done that, Rufus could've done all types of things to make this movie less sad. He could've resurrected Liam Neeson's wife. He could've messed with Sarah's phone signal so she could make sweet, passionate love to Karl. He could've written Colin Friggin' Frissell out of the script.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, the Internet is forever, and I just can't get the idea of a what a spectacularly crappy angel Rufus turns out to be.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't know. I like to think that the man upstairs would be a bit more direct with a man who is cheating on his wife with his secretary who literally DRESSES AS THE DEVIL FOR THE OFFICE HOLIDAY PARTY. Instead of making a Broadway-worthy performance of wrapping a horrifically ugly heart necklace, perhaps Rufus could've sprouted his wings, grabbed Alan Rickman by the coat lapels and screamed some sense into him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"GOD IS WATCHING YOU. DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE. AND GIRRRRRLLLL, THIS NECKLACE IS UGLY." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, I know what you're going to say - "Eric, Rufus redeems himself by distracting the gate agent so Sam can run past and profess his love to Joanna."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yes. Rufus does do that. However, his actions would theoretically have led to a complete security lockdown at Heathrow, thus disrupting MILLIONS of travelers' holiday plans...just so a kid can tell a girl he likes her. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Is he going to use his divine powers to get everyone to Grandma's house on time for her last Christmas when all of their flights are cancelled just so Sam can tell Joanna he loves her!?!?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yet again, another character who is pretty crappy at their job.</span></div>
Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-78884197750743020002017-12-18T15:51:00.002-05:002017-12-18T15:58:09.277-05:00Almost to the Top 5!<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#6 - Ant and Dec</b></span><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iOABWkC02HI/WjgpL5xYBDI/AAAAAAAAFxU/YAAoI0m80NcdPB65wtG7sTw6ApJlxzlVACLcBGAs/s1600/loveactually4-41.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="170" data-original-width="400" height="136" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iOABWkC02HI/WjgpL5xYBDI/AAAAAAAAFxU/YAAoI0m80NcdPB65wtG7sTw6ApJlxzlVACLcBGAs/s320/loveactually4-41.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I know. I'm counting them as one person. But, they are pretty interchangeable. And I've had my Top Five set I even conceived this idea...it's the other 20 that have proven to be a bit of a challenge. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This spot almost went to Miss Dunkin' Donuts 2003, but I love that bish.</span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Lbud_L_0sM/WjgomBzHgbI/AAAAAAAAFxQ/mb0KWkEXDxQaII4FdC9iLSwt6J3YHyilQCEwYBhgL/s1600/50834.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Lbud_L_0sM/WjgomBzHgbI/AAAAAAAAFxQ/mb0KWkEXDxQaII4FdC9iLSwt6J3YHyilQCEwYBhgL/s1600/50834.gif" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And she gives great face.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So...Ant and Dec...out of desperation and the numbers working against me...and this is really just a Miss Dunkin' Donuts 2003 appreciation post in disguise. See, I'm not a completely cynical bastard!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Seacrest and Dunkleman you are NOT. </span><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KQad8getZVk/WjgqSWKhu6I/AAAAAAAAFxo/CrKAAiy_T4geoS_NgZ7geILn08XwACKDACLcBGAs/s1600/brian-dunkleman-ryan-seacrest-zoom-46e62d51-1b41-402c-9c7f-dbfd41796386.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="630" data-original-width="1200" height="168" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KQad8getZVk/WjgqSWKhu6I/AAAAAAAAFxo/CrKAAiy_T4geoS_NgZ7geILn08XwACKDACLcBGAs/s320/brian-dunkleman-ryan-seacrest-zoom-46e62d51-1b41-402c-9c7f-dbfd41796386.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-42215118009834105592017-12-18T13:56:00.000-05:002017-12-18T15:35:52.666-05:00#7 <span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#7 - The Costume Designer</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For letting Laura Linney's character wear this hat to a wedding. </span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xG_oWyX2zBo/WjgNyAFFQoI/AAAAAAAAFw8/FUDzoubn7NI7RIkIJgzw11AsRQVkAh7XwCLcBGAs/s1600/original.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="452" data-original-width="600" height="241" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xG_oWyX2zBo/WjgNyAFFQoI/AAAAAAAAFw8/FUDzoubn7NI7RIkIJgzw11AsRQVkAh7XwCLcBGAs/s320/original.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(Side note, I watching this movie twice on Saturday. I never knew a purple hat could cause me such rage.)</span>Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-80177581496489818872017-12-16T15:20:00.004-05:002017-12-16T15:20:38.009-05:00Nearing the home stretch...<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>#8 - Mark</b></span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I bet you think I'm going to rip into Mark because of the cue card scene.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nope. I'm not gonna do it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think it's romantic. As mentioned before, the cue card scene gets me all types of in touch with my feelings. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you think the cue card scene makes him a stalker, YOU ARE WRONG AND YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The ONLY reason Mark even has a spot on this listicle is because HE IS STUPID.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, this is fresh in my mind because I'm literally watching the movie on Comedy Central...But, just in case you forget -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Horrible Juliet - "I stopped by unexpectedly and am going to force you to like me by bringing Banoffee Pie and letting myself into your flat because me and Peter made a horrible choice in videographer for our wedding so I want to see the video you took for free!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Stupid Mark - "Nope. No idea where that video went. Can't find it."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WHILE THE TAPE SITS ON THE TABLE LABELED CLEARLY AS PETER AND JULIET'S WEDDING VIDEO FOR ALL TO SEE.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mark, dude, you're an idiot. You played yourself. </span></div>
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Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-67491381085939311592017-12-16T14:59:00.004-05:002017-12-16T15:00:43.368-05:00#9<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#9 - Joni Mitchell</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For writing and performing a song that makes me ugly cry in the car whenever it comes up on my iPod because it made Emma Thompson ugly cry when she realizes her jerk husband is sleeping with his evil secretary.</span></div>
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Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-74957085808583526502017-12-16T14:50:00.001-05:002017-12-16T15:02:38.148-05:00Let's just group all the terrible into one post...<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>In no particular order of horribleness -</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#14 - Stacey</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#13 - Jeannie</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#12 - Carol-Anne</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#11 - Harriet "The Sexy One"</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#10 - Carla "The Real Friendly One"</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Nqnhew7nRw4/WjV2Z8sT4gI/AAAAAAAAFt4/5aqT4W8dEo49-2DSzV4BDvz1-gaHBHk4wCLcBGAs/s1600/love-actually-02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="612" height="208" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Nqnhew7nRw4/WjV2Z8sT4gI/AAAAAAAAFt4/5aqT4W8dEo49-2DSzV4BDvz1-gaHBHk4wCLcBGAs/s320/love-actually-02.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ladies. To quote one of my favorite ad campaigns in recent history - "That's not how this works. That's not how ANY of this works."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">To my lady readers, when's the last time you all descended upon a marginally attractive British man just because he says "bottle" the way Brits do? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And ladies, is it common practice for you to let your heat bill lapse to the point where you need to cuddle naked with each other? Are you THAT cold you invite a strange, horny foreigner back to your house to sleep with all three of you?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I get it. Everyone in this damn movie is trying to shoot their shot. But let's talk about unrealistic expectations for British men traveling to Wisconsin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And it's Colin Friggin' Frissell. These ladies aren't going to look past his utter creep factor just because he speaks funny?!?!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And since we're talking about speaking funny...Shannon Elizabeth and Denise Richards may just have the worst.southern.accents in all of film history. </span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HUNgNmmWiX4/WjV4fOpRrsI/AAAAAAAAFuI/ACUH5HYg8lcaEmUAfdPXaLmQl5Fdt58GQCLcBGAs/s1600/shannon-elizabeth-love-actually-universal-pictures-012816.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="638" height="213" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HUNgNmmWiX4/WjV4fOpRrsI/AAAAAAAAFuI/ACUH5HYg8lcaEmUAfdPXaLmQl5Fdt58GQCLcBGAs/s320/shannon-elizabeth-love-actually-universal-pictures-012816.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Nope, no American stereotypes to see here. #RollsEyes </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Wait, you're trying to tell me neither of them received Oscar nominations for their award-winning characterizations of southern women in charge of their sexuality? #RollsEyesAgain</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And why do they have SOUTHERN ACCENTS WHEN THEY ARE FROM WISCONSIN?!?! THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.</span><br />
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Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-44485767538160609102017-12-16T14:29:00.000-05:002017-12-16T14:37:24.030-05:00#15<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#15 - Annie</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Meet Natalie.</span></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aRZhzCumoFM/WjVwj7livTI/AAAAAAAAFtg/u-G8vrOPjKIRW23skYOy460Q0hq4j2UyACLcBGAs/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="159" data-original-width="318" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aRZhzCumoFM/WjVwj7livTI/AAAAAAAAFtg/u-G8vrOPjKIRW23skYOy460Q0hq4j2UyACLcBGAs/s1600/download.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We love Natalie. Look at that sassy smirk and that sense of style. Works for the Prime Minister but still manages to BRING.IT! She's also recently heartbroken and had to move back with her family in the "dodgy end." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sister is doing it for herself. She is vibrant...glowing...HEALTHY.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Natalie, the perfect, proportional, body positive angel is one of the BEST people in "Love Actually." Hands down. No question. Don't @ me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Meet Annie. </span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QH812lvtjzM/WjVx9MvaCPI/AAAAAAAAFts/Glzf81W0YDMfbGDu_vs7Xd2HendOoY64wCLcBGAs/s1600/Nina%2BSosanya%2B%2BLove%2BActually%2B%25282003%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="190" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QH812lvtjzM/WjVx9MvaCPI/AAAAAAAAFts/Glzf81W0YDMfbGDu_vs7Xd2HendOoY64wCLcBGAs/s1600/Nina%2BSosanya%2B%2BLove%2BActually%2B%25282003%2529.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Annie also works for the Prime Minister. Annie wants to help the Prime Minister fix the country. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Annie is mean. Annie describes Natalie as "chubby" and having a "sizeable ass" right before she agrees to redistribute dear Natalie at the request of the Prime Minister. Annie is not blind. Annie must realize the attraction between the Prime Minister and Natalie. Annie is lucky she wasn't named in Natalie's sexual harassment lawsuit. </span></div>
Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-64872400624896852002017-12-16T13:14:00.001-05:002017-12-16T13:22:10.605-05:00#16<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#16 - Kate McCallister</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">HOW DOES ANY MOTHER LEAVE HER KID HOME ALONE ON CHRISTMAS NOT ONCE...BUT TWICE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">AND HOW IS SOCIAL SERVICES NEVER CALLED?!?!</span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2N8ZbOWTBXU/WjViOsZMhDI/AAAAAAAAFtQ/DTYaU0xc4EsTValOT3dX17duEEef84IbgCLcBGAs/s1600/homealonemom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="354" data-original-width="584" height="193" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2N8ZbOWTBXU/WjViOsZMhDI/AAAAAAAAFtQ/DTYaU0xc4EsTValOT3dX17duEEef84IbgCLcBGAs/s320/homealonemom.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Wait. Wrong Christmas movie. Too much Egg Nog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Eh. She's still the worst.</span>Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-47319806467297835552017-12-16T13:10:00.000-05:002017-12-16T15:29:28.123-05:00#18 and #17<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#18 and #17 - Jamie's Bad Brother and Girlfriend</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You know you're pretty horrendous when the writers don't even bother giving you a name. And it's even worse when the descriptor they use is the word "bad."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Now, as I understand it, all the ladies (and some men - we're equal opportunity here) swoon over Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice." My tastes in literature are not nearly as refined...so I have no idea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But, if you trade in Colin Firth for this Tom Green lookalike -</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You're pretty dumb.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Hurry up, big boy. I'm naked and I want you at least twice before Jamie gets home" is a quote that has cemented Jamie's girlfriend as the absolute worst in the annals of film history.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">And to add insult to injury, Jamie's Bad Brother has the NERVE to show up at Christmas. And the nameless little twit in pink hates Uncle Jamie?!?! I wonder her thoughts on Uncle Jamie's Bad Brother. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-79853961443021408132017-12-16T12:38:00.000-05:002017-12-16T12:39:38.926-05:00#19<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#19 - Tony (Who???)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You know you're pretty horrible when in a movie with tons of characters, I literally have to Google "Tony Love Actually" to see if I'm talking about the right guy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">First, this guy is friends with Colin Friggin' Frissell. Second, I'm not even sure what he does for a living. He shows up as a production something or other in the "fluffer" John and Just Judy scenese. Third, he supports Colin Friggin' Frissell. Fourth, he does a piss poor job of keeping Colin Friggin' Frissell from unleashing his sexual terror on the United States.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And then he shows up at the airport at the end, is given the chance to make out Denise Richards (more on her and her horrific southern accent later), and it looks like he is stork pecking at birdseed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Who are you, Tony? And why do you contribute so little to one of the best Christmas movies of all time?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At least he has smolder.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-14371388671163218612017-12-06T14:52:00.000-05:002017-12-06T15:05:04.415-05:001/5th of the way there...And there are more than 5 horrible people in "Love Actually..."<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#20 - Nancy the Caterer</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Not only have I learned that "Love, Actually" is just a movie about people trying to shoot their shot...It's also a movie about people who are horrible at their jobs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I've never been to a wedding reception, no matter how casual, where the caterer has the luxury of standing in the corner looking sad. Although we've established that Peter and Julia are the WORST, they still deserve a caterer who is going to make sure the day is perfect.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But here we have Nancy. She's not running around. She's not taste-testing the food. She's not screaming at the kitchen staff and calling them donkeys. Sorry, TV has conditioned me to believe that's what British chefs do. She's literally doing nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">So, I can understand Colin Friggin' Frissell's (oh, dear reader, you know his moment of reckoning is coming soon) confusion about her role in the festivities. And although Colin's come-ons are painfully awkward, and Nancy shouldn't have to tolerate it...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Perhaps she should take some of his constructive criticism about the food and not cater a wedding with hors d'oeuvres (yes, I had to Google how to spell it) that look and taste like, and I quote, "dead baby's finger."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Nancy, do your job.</span>Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-78064286507347640722017-12-05T14:47:00.001-05:002017-12-06T14:52:13.326-05:00The 21st worst person in "Love Actually"<div>
<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">#21 - The American President</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Guys. In terms of real presidents, Trump sucks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In terms of fictional presidents, Billy Bob Thornton as presidents sucks real hard. Holy hell, he's bad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ugh. What a skeeze.</span></div>
Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-61484382919323031792017-12-04T14:33:00.003-05:002017-12-05T14:50:13.879-05:00A Two for One Deal - #23 and #22<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You could probably argue at this point that I am taking the easy way out by picking on small, potentially nameless, inconsequential characters in "Love Actually" and naming them the worst. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">One may think I'm merely doing this for attention (let's be honest, I kinda am) and this countdown will have no pay-off, because the #1 most horrible person will be "Airport Security Manager" - which, real talk, he does a pretty piss poor job by letting Sam run through the whole of Heathrow Airport. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Perhaps a reader is saying I don't want to offend any of my two readers by targeting the main characters. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Does Hugh Grant have a fandom? If he does, do I risk offending them by saying he is absolutely the worst? He probably isn't...mainly because of his dance to "The Pointer Sisters." It is written in some ancient text that thou shalt not hate a British man dancing in his slacks to one of the best songs of all time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Well, friends, no risk, no reward. Here we go. I'm going for the big guns today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Peter and Julia are the WORST. </span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_wZAT9BXI4E/WiWirF-8L1I/AAAAAAAAFnQ/moQNweEeMoE1M1rFUlyKS1xvIbiHw2buQCLcBGAs/s1600/221215_ITV2_Love-ActuallyJPG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="428" data-original-width="615" height="222" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_wZAT9BXI4E/WiWirF-8L1I/AAAAAAAAFnQ/moQNweEeMoE1M1rFUlyKS1xvIbiHw2buQCLcBGAs/s320/221215_ITV2_Love-ActuallyJPG.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As a perpetual third wheel, I do relate to Mark on a visceral level. And yes, I've conceived doing the cue card thing in my own sad love life. But I imagine that it goes something like this -</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me, standing at Kyle and John's door (names changed to protect the innocent and because of a likely restraining order). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I knock. And old man dressed as Santa and smelling like peppermint schnapps answers. "Who the hell are you?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: "Ooops, wrong house."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Old Man: "Well, you're cute."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I run away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I knock again. This time at the correct door.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">John answers. "Eric, what are you doing here?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: "Actually, ummm, I was hoping to speak with Kyle."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">John: "Oh, he's actually in the shower. Why are you holding a boom box and oak tag?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: "Oh, ummm...I meant to leave these in the car." I drop the boom box and "Silent Night" starts playing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">John: "Wait...are you...are you doing the Love, Actually cue card scene?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: "Ummm...no...I mean, I don't even know what that is."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">John: "Oh my GOD. KYLE, COME DOWN HERE. ERIC IS DOING THE CUE CARD SCENE FROM LOVE ACTUALLY FOR YOU. Do you need me to run upstairs and pretend it's carol singers?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Anyway, we can save that for therapy. Back to Peter and Julia being horrible.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Are they so in love that they are completely oblivious to Mark's insanely huge unrequited crush on Julia?! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm all about being extra, but neither of them thought it weird he went out of his way to book such an extravagant wedding surprise?! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Even painfully oblivious Laura Linney picks up on what Mark is putting down...and his best friend can't?!?!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And then when he believes there are carol singers at the door, Peter tells Julia to give them a quid and tell them to bugger off. So, not only are you a horrible friend, you don't mind taking a giant shit on those who are just trying to spread some Christmas cheer!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">AND THEN JULIA KISSES MARK AS IF THAT WON'T MESS WITH HIM ANY MORE?!?!!?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">These.young.trendy.London.hipsters.are.the.WORST!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Love Actually"...more like "Emotional Manipulation Actually and I'm going to go cry in a corner and process how I feel after this roller coaster of feelings."</span><br />
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Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-42623649375505623832017-12-02T23:30:00.002-05:002017-12-02T23:33:49.101-05:00The 24th Worst Person in "Love Actually"<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>#24 Eleonore the Housekeeper...or at least that's what I think she was?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Imagine you are a French housekeeper. Imagine you have a British author for whose house you are responsible. Imagine you find yourself unable to serve as that British author's housekeeper when he makes an unexpected return to his writing cabin. You are now responsible for finding an adequate replacement.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When you find that "adequate" replacement, the French housekeeper you have selected doesn't speak a lick of English. Your author client doesn't speak a lick of French. Tell me, dear Eleonore, how the hell this seems like a good business decision? And what is with all the extra vowels in your name?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Although you may have single-handedly been responsible for one of the sweetest love stories in Christmas-themed cinema, your hiring decisions are trash and you should be fired as the French Housekeeping Human Resources manager, or whatever it is you actually do, immediately. </span><br />
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<br />Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3991925206091580862.post-7886183270669631152017-12-02T15:18:00.000-05:002017-12-06T14:52:02.339-05:00The 25 Worst People in "Love Actually"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It’s true. Back in 2003, when I was still receiving DVDs from Netflix, Entertainment Weekly (my pop culture Bible) was talking about this sweet (probably even saccharine) movie about Christmas and love. How could a movie about CHRISTMAS and LOVE go wrong?! Would there be puppies? There should be puppies in every movie about Christmas and love…and I would soon learn, movies about Christmas and love also need to feature Rodrigo Santoro in only tight black boxer briefs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Here we are…15 years later and I still watch this movie every holiday season. My friends know to expect one single tear to trickle down my cheek at the conclusion of the infamous “cue card” scene with a pre-Walking Dead Andrew Lincoln. I bawl into my oversized caftan like Emma Thompson any time I hear Joni </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now.” I rage over the fact that Karl, the aforementioned Santoro, doesn’t surprise Laura Linney at the hospital and show that he can be a good lover AND a sensitive caretaker for her ill brother. WHY DOES THAT NOT HAPPEN!?!? If Colin Frissell can have his far-fetched American orgy on his first day in the good ole USofA, why can’t Laura Linney and KARL be happy? Why, Richard Curtis, why?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sorry. Those are spoilers. But if you haven’t seen “Love Actually” yet…your heart is cold and dead and you don’t deserve to celebrate Christmas with me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I can’t help but realize that for every wonderful person in this Christmas classic, the movie is REPLETE with HORRIBLE people. I was rewatching it this Thanksgiving to get into the holiday spirit…and perhaps it’s the cynicism of the unending trash fire that is 2017 seeping into my heart, but for such a heart-warming movie, some characters are JUST THE WORST. However, since we can’t always have nice things, I present to you (sporadically and when I have time) the “25 Worst People in Love Actually.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And yes, in a veritable cast of hundreds, there are some pretty horrific characters – big and small.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Let’s get on, shall we (sounds very British in my head) –
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>#25 – The girl in the pink who hates Uncle Jamie</b>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Uncle Jamie, played by Colin Firth, heads home for Christmas. His hands are FULL of bags FULL of gifts, probably for his nieces and nephews. We know he has brought brandy for the adults. Or, maybe he’s brought it for the kids. Maybe that will rank him as one of the even worse characters…or maybe one of the best. I mean, as a kid, would’ve been cool to get some booze from a British Uncle. As an adult, I wouldn’t argue if Colin Firth showed up to my door with a crap ton of brandy. I digress, fam.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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I’m going to assume Uncle Jamie is an introvert. He enjoys alone time in his quaint French cabin. He looks utterly mortified as his family descends on him once he enters the house. I can imagine him thinking “I just want to sit in front of the fire in my chunky knit Fair Isle sweater and contemplate life and drink cocoa (spiked with brandy, obvi) and plan revenge on my girlfriend and brother for sleeping together behind my back.” Christmas will take everything out of him. </div>
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So, I can respect the fact Uncle Jamie decides he’d rather be in Portugal with the housekeeper with </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">whom he has fallen in love and I respect his decision to leave the introvert’s </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">nightmare that is his Mom’s house on Christmas. At the end of the day, he wants </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">to shoot his shot (look it up…it’s a millennial term, and the entirety of </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">“Love, Actually” is people just trying to shoot their shot, to be honest.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, HOW DARE YOU GIRL IN PINK WHO DECIDES TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF BABY JESUS BY SAYING “I HATE UNCLE JAMIE” EVEN AFTER HE HAS BROUGHT YOU PRESENTS. DO YOU ALSO HATE YOUR OTHER UNCLE WHO SLEPT WITH UNCLE JAMIE’S GIRLFRIEND!? I BET YOU DON’T BECAUSE HE BOUGHT YOUR AFFECTION WITH A NINTENDO SO (OR WHATEVER TECH WAS COOL WAY BACK IN 2003.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, nameless girl in the pink who hates her kind, introverted, heartbroken, handsome, in love Uncle </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jamie…you are the 25th worst person in “Love Actually.”</span></div>
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Erichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03341622776158150948noreply@blogger.com0