One of my fondest memories from my pre-teen years was going to see 10 Things I Hate About You with my three siblings and then sneaking into see Never Been Kissed immediately after. Sorry, AMC, please don't arrest me. I sat through the Night Listener, so let's consider it even.At that age, I probably knew I was different. As much as I thought I should find Larisa Oleynik cute (and she was), I was more concerned about who I would pick if given the choice between Joseph Gordon Levitt and Andrew Keegan. As creepy as it was for Michael Vartan to fall for Drew Barrymore, because technically he was her teacher, he was kind of hot, so it was okay. And as much as I was thinking these things, I would never TELL anyone.
And, at the end of all of these movies, the girl gets the guy. That was normal. That was what was supposed to happen. Girls and guys were entitled to their romantic movie moment. It was reserved for them.
But what if you were a guy...who liked guys? What did that mean for me?
So, I guess that's why I am having such a visceral and emotional reaction to Love, Simon. It's literally 3 days later, and I can't stop thinking about it. I downloaded the soundtrack today and bawled on my way to work while listening to it. For the first time in my 35 years of existence, I feel like my experience as a closeted gay teen was finally honestly portrayed on screen. (Potential Love, Simon spoilers ahead as I process my feelings with words.)
When I was in college, the only access I had to queer entertainment was through Netflix. It was limited to the Eating Out movies and Queer as Folk. The Eating Out movies were pretty horrific - a gay guy tries to deceive a hot, muscular "straight" guy into fooling around with him. It starred Jim Verraros from American Idol...'nuff said. But, that's all we had back then...in the days of Netflix delivering DVDs. Yes, I'm that old. Queer as Folk, as groundbreaking as it was, was merely just 4 hot gay friends having lots of sex and learning the value of friendship along the way. I was a fat college kid at a Catholic University who couldn't really relate to any of this.
The characters were gay, but they weren't human. They weren't real. They weren't genuine. At least for me they weren't - the ONLY thing we had in common was our gayness. And as much as I would like to say what I saw was reflected on the screen, the one time a group of gay "friends" took me out to a club, they got me drunk, made fun of me the entire time, and then tried to take advantage of me on the ride home. Because they weren't successful, I became their target for my senior year of college. So, there's that.
What I love about Love, Simon and what makes it different are these little moments that rang so very true, that I felt my heart stop or I smiled or I cried...because for once, I believed someone got it right. Simon was actually reflecting my experience. He was me.
The whole plot is that Simon decides to out contact a classmate through an anonymous E-mail after a this classmate, nicknamed "Blue", outs himself on an anonymous secrets website. At the beginning, Simon can't put his phone down when he waits expectantly for Blue to respond. It's the anticipation we all have when are waiting to hear from someone we like. It's even more powerful because this is more - Simon has found someone who may actually understand him. When Blue finally responds, it ends up being one of the purest, most powerful and most touching Internet romances I have ever seen portrayed on screen. They share their likes, their dislikes, they flirt...they fall in love.
The reason this impacted me so much is because although the year is different, the experience is the same. Instead of anonymous GMail accounts, it was anonymous AOL screen names. You reached out to someone in a chatroom who said they went to the same University you did. You asked for guys' AIM screen names because maybe, just maybe, they were into you too. These little things are what made Simon so relatable and why the move continues to resonate.
As time goes on, we learn that Blue is most likely one of three people. Is it Bram, the star athlete? He mentioned liking Halloween Oreos immediately after Blue told Simon he liked Halloween Oreos. But then the heartbreak after Simon walks in on Bram making out with a girl in a Minion costume.
Damn slutty minions.
I've been there. I know that feeling of joy when maybe someone drops a hint...but the defeat when it turns out to just be wishful thinking.
Is it Lyle? The cute Waffle House waiter...who is just really friendly. How easy was it for me to confuse friendliness with attraction, especially if he was cute? And what happens if Lyle is actually into your female friend?! Dammit Lyle, can't I just have this one thing!??!?
Or maybe it's Cal? The super nice piano player in the musical's orchestra? I find it essential that although Simon is part of the musical, he is not the lead, nor is it something he is particularly good at. It's not essential to his identity and doesn't contribute to some idea of a stereotypical gay male lead.
Also, I can appreciate the fact that at least three of male cast i know of have publicly identified their queerness.
These were all genuine, real, emotional moments that truly were a reflection of what I went through back in college. I started cheering for Simon with each of these, because I had been there, I had felt that, it was me on screen. That's the difference with having a gay protagonist...the attraction, the flirting, the hints, the sideways glances...is it just normal human interaction, or is there more?! Because straight is the default...there's a deeper layer of need for acceptance and understanding that hasn't been portrayed in teen romantic comedies before.
This is so emotionally resonant with me because this truly was the first time I felt portrayed on screen. This message continues to sit in my heart. I was even still excited talking about it with a colleague today at lunch.
When Simon is outed, I felt it in my bones and guts. What Nick Robinson put on screen was exactly what I went through. Fear, sadness, anger, desperation, more sadness, lots of tears. I was torn apart when Blue deleted his E-mail account...because I know what it's like to go on a drive with someone, bare your sole, and discover their account didn't exist the next morning.
Simon, in his desperation to just feel real and connected because Blue has disappeared...goes up to a classmate and practically begs to know if he is Blue. The fear of losing the one connection he had was so palpable, I felt it. We all just want to know that someone out there understands us...that we are desperate to cling to that someone who makes it seem real. And when they aren't, it is devastating.
In some ways, I controlled my coming out story. In other ways, I was outed on others' terms. Even with the secret AOL screen names and promises of privacy, others thought it was their responsibility to let others know I was gay throughout college. They did it to me, they did it to a lot of other people. Are you shocked to know it's the same "friends" who took me out for my birthday? Even in my adult life, I feel like I've been forced to come out against in my will in order to defend myself or validate my actions.
So when Simon confronts his outer and speaks about how it was up to him to tell his story. It was his personal journey. No one else should take that from him...you would have needed to mop me up in a puddle of my own tears. If this movie had been out when I was in college, I like to think I would've been able to stand up for myself and own my experience - because I deserve that. I wanted to be Simon, screaming with genuine emotion at the people who felt they had rights to my coming out.
At the end of the day, someone choosing to come out is their story. Don't rob it from them.
All of this is done with an amazing score and amazing music (see above, it made me cry...surprising, I know. I just have a lot of feelings.) And the movie just isn't about Simon...it's about his four close friends who are just trying to do their best to connect and make it through high school. But, for once, the two straight people finding love isn't the center of the story...the gay kid is. That's what is important. In fact, there's a moment when Simon's best friend, Leah, during a sleepover says one of the most relatable things I have ever heard in a movie -
"Sometimes I feel like I’m always on the outside, there’s this invisible line that I have to cross to really be a part of everything and I just can’t ever cross it."
Are you surprised I'm an emotional wreck after this one?
I won't spoil the identity of Blue. But, I did warn you there were some spoilers...Simon (and Blue) get to write the first page of their love story. It all works out for him and Blue in the end. I gasped (and cried, of course) at the reveal of Blue.
As much as I am drawing parallels, the star athlete, the cute waiter, or the theatre guy didn't turn out to be the guy behind the screen name. I never had the perfectly orchestrated, kiss at the top of the Ferris wheel Love, Simon moment. And although that is the money shot, I think it's more about what happens after the Ferris Wheel. Blue is now part of Simon's morning routine of driving to school and getting iced coffee...and when Blue gets in the car, he and Simon get to share a kiss, like any other couple, in front of their friends, as they start their day.
At my age, do I sometimes get angry or sad that I didn't have the top of the Ferris Wheel moment? Sure. Is it rational for me to still want something that only happens to teenagers in romantic comedies? Maybe not. Am I jealous of all the kids coming of age, discovering themselves now who have this movie to tell them they aren't alone? Absolutely. Would I go back in time and hope that I would get my experience with my own personal Blue...Yes. But, this is reality. And 20 years ago was a lot different for a gay kid.
I, however, am just happy to finally see my experience, my emotions, my life reflected on screen in such a powerful, honest, genuine way. It was told with heart and with humor.
That's why this movie continues to stick with me.
But maybe it's not about having the big moment...because Simon and I had some pretty similar small moments, and that matters -
...the moment you can finally exhale because your Mom always knew something was holding you back, and now that it's not holding you back anymore, she still loves you...
(Sidenote - are we really at the point in history where Jennifer Garner and Josh Duhamel are old enough to play a teenager's parent?)
(Second Sidenote - The movie may seem super serious, but it's also really fun and moves deftly between the two styles. Right after I am weeping as Josh Duhamel starts weeping for never realizing Simon was gay and apologizes for making gay jokes, we get this -
Josh Duhamel as a Hot Dad - "Hey I thought maybe we could sign up for Grindr together."
Simon - "You don't know what Grindr is, do you?"
Josh Duhamel as a Hot Dad - "It's Facebook for gay people.")
...the moment of silent, unspoken understanding between you and your little sister...
...the moment you just have to tell a friend, any friend, and you do, and it is all okay...
...the moment you get to kiss a guy you like (even if it's not on top of the Ferris Wheel)...
Yeah, I'm a 35 year old obsessed and touched by a teen romantic comedy...but after this blog, I hope you understand why.
Love,
Eric
ps - see what I did there?
pps - I know that the film, although amazing, does have some privilege blind spots. I know it is not a story that reflects everyone's queer experience. But it does reflect a queer experience, and that's important. I know some may also find issue with Nick Robinson playing queer for the camera, but his performance is strong. As said above, there are other queer actors involved, and they do their characters justice.
