Wednesday, December 20, 2017

#3...#2...#1...Lessssss go!

#3 - Colin Friggin' Frissell

I've decided to wrap this thing up today, because come tomorrow at 5 pm, I'll be as drunk and tired as Mariah Carey at an egg nog tasting.  Sometimes, when I drink too much holiday cheer, I find the nearest gingerbread village and pretend I'm Godzilla...and then pass out in the ruins.  

Guys, you had to have known this was coming.  Every time Colin Frissell is on screen, it's like nails on a chalkboard.  I understand he is meant to provide some comic relief, but holy hell, it's evident that subtlety is not his strong suit.  His main story line is that he is going to travel to America (Madison, Wisconsin specifically) to unleash his unique brand of sexual terror upon the masses...Mainly because no woman in Britain will sleep with him.  

Let's review a sampling of some of the things he says to or around the women of Britain -

"I am Colin.  God of sex.  I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all."

In the middle of the airport - "Watch out, America.  Here comes Colin Frissell...and he's got a big knob."  

"I'm on shag highway heading west."

"Try my lovely nuts."  This is said to a woman in the office where he delivers sandwiches.

"Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady."  Said, again, in the same office.

Not to mention his horrible attempt at picking up Nancy the horrible wedding caterer.  And he even tries to hit on Mia, and you know she isn't having it.

How is ANY of this acceptable?  Sure, 2003 was a simpler time...but sexual harassment was still a thing.  

I hate you Colin Friggin' Frissell.  You make me cringe.  You're not charming.  You're not funny.  You're accent DOES NOT make you more attractive.  You are the farthest thing from what I imagine a God of Sex to be like.   The only God of Sex in "Love Actually" is Karl.  Or at least we are all left imagining what he would be like in bed because of Sarah's damn phone.

Colin Friggin' Frissell, go say "bottle" and "straw" somewhere else.

#2 - Harry

I don't think I need to go too much in this one.  But this right here is why he's the worst -

Not to mention, he did THIS to Emma Thompson.  And whenever I watch the damn scene, I ugly cry too.  So, congratulations Alan Rickman as Harry, you made us ALL ugly cry for Christmas.

And the necklace he got for Mia was ugly as sin.  I'm not going to condone cheating, but if you are getting something for your mistress, maybe it shouldn't look like a piece of papier mache noodle art.  But that's just me I guess.

Harry is so horrible, I actually feel sympathy for Professor Snape and Hans Gruber.  

#1 - Mia

Sure, Harry is bad but MIA IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.  

Look at her.  She's just so...smug...and homewreckey.  If you haven't seen the movie, in this scene, she opens her legs to convince her boss that she wants a "Christmas gift."  Real subtle there, Mia.

Now, I know full well that Harry and Mia both choose to engage in this affair and ruin a marriage.  Perhaps you may think I am clearly allowing my gender bias to influence my rankings.  

I OBJECT!  A lady friend of mine turned to me immediately during this scene and outright demand that Mia be #1 on this list.  SO THERE.  I dislike homewreckers equally.  And if this ranking really ruffles your candy canes, feel free to switch them up in your mind.  Feel free to debate it over Christmas dinner with your drunk Republic uncle!

Let's also review the fact that she dresses up as SATAN for the office Christmas party.  First, Halloween was two months ago, lady.  Second, don't @ me trying to defend a woman who cosplays as the Prince of Darkness to celebrate the holidays with her co-workers.  

We are going to ignore the fact that MARK...yes, cue card MARK, is her date to the party.  She completely ignores him so she can make her move on Harry, in plain sight of Karen.

What the HELL, lady?!  You.are.horrible!

Apparently, Harry did give her the gold spray-painted macaroni necklace, and she wears it like a predator proudly displaying the teeth of her victims around her neck.  

She even flirts a little with the Prime Minister when he accidentally shows up at her door.  Girrrrrrrlllllll...I'm all about being confident in your sexuality, but you've already ruined one marriage, try not to the ruin the whole of Great Britain.  

Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year!
A candy cane for Glenn Coco and all of you...and none for Gretchen Wieners (or Mia)...bye.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

The 4th Worst Person in "Love Actually"

#4 - Karl

Let's set the scene.  

It's 2003.  

A college senior is on the cusp of discovering his sexuality.

A new company called Netflix will send DVDs (digital video discs) directly to this student's dorm room.

So, he requests "Love Actually", a feel-good Christmas romance.

He gets comfy in his Twin XL bed to enjoy the fact that a DVD got sent DIRECTLY to his college mailbox AND he won't have to worry about insane Blockbuster late fees.

SPOILER ALERT - this college student is ME!  Shocking twist, right?

I am also a die hard romantic at 21.  I think my heart blackened and died around age 23?

So, I cannot WAIT for Laura Linney's Sarah to have her Dawson's Creek moment with the SMOLDERING and SEXY Karl, played by the SMOLDERING AND SEXY Rodrigo Santoro.

Who didn't realize they were a little bit, if not totally, gay after this?

But, NO.  We don't get our happy ending.  Sarah doesn't get her happy ending.  Colin Friggin' Frissell gets his happy ending (in fact, it would appear he gets at least four.)  But not poor Sarah.

Why does Karl suck so much?

One, in this scene, he puts his clothes back on, rather than taking more off.  

Two, he proceeds to totally disregard the fact that Sarah has taken an urgent phone call.  Mid-hook up, when an emergency call has come in, at least have the heart to make sure everything is okay. But nope...nary a "How can I help?" to the woman who was just straddling you moments before.

Then, a few scenes later...Karl rolls up to Sarah's desk, when they are all alone in the office and merely says "Good night."  That's it.  Nothing more.  

In a movie where pretty much everyone else gets who and what they want...Karl is absolutely one of the freakin' worst.  What he should've done is figured out from Alan Rickman's Harry where Sarah was always going...and in a grand romantic gesture, show up to Sarah's brother's hospital to HELP HER.  RIGHT?!??!  

You know that's how you wanted that story to end.  Admit it.  

The one saving grace is he is still pretty with his shirt off...but pretty damn useless in "Lost" as Paolo.  So, I guess if you want to ruin a TV show or movie with a useless character, hire Rodrigo Santoro.

The 5th Worst Person in "Love Actually"

Thank you for sticking with me.  It's good to know I have, like, two people across the far reaches of the Internet universe who enjoy my writing on a somewhat consistent basis.  

This was an idea conceived over too many half-priced watermelon martinis at Houlihan's, as all good/bad ideas tend to be.  

And whether you love or hate "Love Actually", you need to admit there are some pretty horrible people peppered through the Christmas classic.  I am firmly in the "love" category, but as mentioned, the cynicism that comes with living through the dumpster fire that is 2017 has made this all possible.

So, with no further ado, we enter the "Top 5" of the Worst People in "Love Actually."  I feel like Billy Mack did when he beat Blue for the #1 Christmas hit in that movie "Love Actually."

#5 - Rufus, the Jewelry Salesman

According to something I read on the Internet (and if you read it on the Internet, it must be true), it was meant to be revealed that Rufus was, in fact, an angel.  

Wait, wut?!  Richard Curtis must've been smoking some pretty potent mistletoe laced with hallucinogenic reindeer antler if he thought that was going to be a good idea.  Let's take a story (relatively) grounded in reality and add an angel.  If he had done that, Rufus could've done all types of things to make this movie less sad.  He could've resurrected Liam Neeson's wife.  He could've messed with Sarah's phone signal so she could make sweet, passionate love to Karl.  He could've written Colin Friggin' Frissell out of the script.

However, the Internet is forever, and I just can't get the idea of a what a spectacularly crappy angel Rufus turns out to be.

I don't know.  I like to think that the man upstairs would be a bit more direct with a man who is cheating on his wife with his secretary who literally DRESSES AS THE DEVIL FOR THE OFFICE HOLIDAY PARTY.  Instead of making a Broadway-worthy performance of wrapping a horrifically ugly heart necklace, perhaps Rufus could've sprouted his wings, grabbed Alan Rickman by the coat lapels and screamed some sense into him.  


Now, I know what you're going to say - "Eric, Rufus redeems himself by distracting the gate agent so Sam can run past and profess his love to Joanna."

Yes.  Rufus does do that.  However, his actions would theoretically have led to a complete security lockdown at Heathrow, thus disrupting MILLIONS of travelers' holiday plans...just so a kid can tell a girl he likes her.  

Is he going to use his divine powers to get everyone to Grandma's house on time for her last Christmas when all of their flights are cancelled just so Sam can tell Joanna he loves her!?!?!

Yet again, another character who is pretty crappy at their job.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Almost to the Top 5!

#6 - Ant and Dec

I know.  I'm counting them as one person.  But, they are pretty interchangeable.  And I've had my Top Five set I even conceived this's the other 20 that have proven to be a bit of a challenge.  

This spot almost went to Miss Dunkin' Donuts 2003, but I love that bish.

And she gives great face.

So...Ant and Dec...out of desperation and the numbers working against me...and this is really just a Miss Dunkin' Donuts 2003 appreciation post in disguise.  See, I'm not a completely cynical bastard!

Seacrest and Dunkleman you are NOT.  


#7 - The Costume Designer

For letting Laura Linney's character wear this hat to a wedding.  

(Side note, I watching this movie twice on Saturday.  I never knew a purple hat could cause me such rage.)

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Nearing the home stretch...

#8 - Mark

I bet you think I'm going to rip into Mark because of the cue card scene.

Nope.  I'm not gonna do it.

I think it's romantic.  As mentioned before, the cue card scene gets me all types of in touch with my feelings.  

If you think the cue card scene makes him a stalker, YOU ARE WRONG AND YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE.

The ONLY reason Mark even has a spot on this listicle is because HE IS STUPID.

Now, this is fresh in my mind because I'm literally watching the movie on Comedy Central...But, just in case you forget -

Horrible Juliet - "I stopped by unexpectedly and am going to force you to like me by bringing Banoffee Pie and letting myself into your flat because me and Peter made a horrible choice in videographer for our wedding so I want to see the video you took for free!"

Stupid Mark - "Nope.  No idea where that video went.  Can't find it."


Mark, dude, you're an idiot.  You played yourself.  


#9 - Joni Mitchell

For writing and performing a song that makes me ugly cry in the car whenever it comes up on my iPod because it made Emma Thompson ugly cry when she realizes her jerk husband is sleeping with his evil secretary.