I've decided to wrap this thing up today, because come tomorrow at 5 pm, I'll be as drunk and tired as Mariah Carey at an egg nog tasting. Sometimes, when I drink too much holiday cheer, I find the nearest gingerbread village and pretend I'm Godzilla...and then pass out in the ruins.
Guys, you had to have known this was coming. Every time Colin Frissell is on screen, it's like nails on a chalkboard. I understand he is meant to provide some comic relief, but holy hell, it's evident that subtlety is not his strong suit. His main story line is that he is going to travel to America (Madison, Wisconsin specifically) to unleash his unique brand of sexual terror upon the masses...Mainly because no woman in Britain will sleep with him.
Let's review a sampling of some of the things he says to or around the women of Britain -
"I am Colin. God of sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all."
In the middle of the airport - "Watch out, America. Here comes Colin Frissell...and he's got a big knob."
"I'm on shag highway heading west."
"Try my lovely nuts." This is said to a woman in the office where he delivers sandwiches.
"Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady." Said, again, in the same office.
Not to mention his horrible attempt at picking up Nancy the horrible wedding caterer. And he even tries to hit on Mia, and you know she isn't having it.
How is ANY of this acceptable? Sure, 2003 was a simpler time...but sexual harassment was still a thing.
Colin Friggin' Frissell, go say "bottle" and "straw" somewhere else.
#2 - Harry
I don't think I need to go too much in this one. But this right here is why he's the worst -
Not to mention, he did THIS to Emma Thompson. And whenever I watch the damn scene, I ugly cry too. So, congratulations Alan Rickman as Harry, you made us ALL ugly cry for Christmas.
And the necklace he got for Mia was ugly as sin. I'm not going to condone cheating, but if you are getting something for your mistress, maybe it shouldn't look like a piece of papier mache noodle art. But that's just me I guess.
Harry is so horrible, I actually feel sympathy for Professor Snape and Hans Gruber.
#1 - Mia
Sure, Harry is bad but MIA IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
Now, I know full well that Harry and Mia both choose to engage in this affair and ruin a marriage. Perhaps you may think I am clearly allowing my gender bias to influence my rankings.
I OBJECT! A lady friend of mine turned to me immediately during this scene and outright demand that Mia be #1 on this list. SO THERE. I dislike homewreckers equally. And if this ranking really ruffles your candy canes, feel free to switch them up in your mind. Feel free to debate it over Christmas dinner with your drunk Republic uncle!
Let's also review the fact that she dresses up as SATAN for the office Christmas party. First, Halloween was two months ago, lady. Second, don't @ me trying to defend a woman who cosplays as the Prince of Darkness to celebrate the holidays with her co-workers.
We are going to ignore the fact that MARK...yes, cue card MARK, is her date to the party. She completely ignores him so she can make her move on Harry, in plain sight of Karen.
What the HELL, lady?! You.are.horrible!
Apparently, Harry did give her the gold spray-painted macaroni necklace, and she wears it like a predator proudly displaying the teeth of her victims around her neck.
She even flirts a little with the Prime Minister when he accidentally shows up at her door. Girrrrrrrlllllll...I'm all about being confident in your sexuality, but you've already ruined one marriage, try not to the ruin the whole of Great Britain.
Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year!
A candy cane for Glenn Coco and all of you...and none for Gretchen Wieners (or Mia)...bye.
No comments:
Post a Comment