The 25 Worst People in "Love Actually"

I love “Love Actually.”

It’s true. Back in 2003, when I was still receiving DVDs from Netflix, Entertainment Weekly (my pop culture Bible) was talking about this sweet (probably even saccharine) movie about Christmas and love. How could a movie about CHRISTMAS and LOVE go wrong?! Would there be puppies? There should be puppies in every movie about Christmas and love…and I would soon learn, movies about Christmas and love also need to feature Rodrigo Santoro in only tight black boxer briefs.

Here we are…15 years later and I still watch this movie every holiday season. My friends know to expect one single tear to trickle down my cheek at the conclusion of the infamous “cue card” scene with a pre-Walking Dead Andrew Lincoln. I bawl into my oversized caftan like Emma Thompson any time I hear Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now.” I rage over the fact that Karl, the aforementioned Santoro, doesn’t surprise Laura Linney at the hospital and show that he can be a good lover AND a sensitive caretaker for her ill brother. WHY DOES THAT NOT HAPPEN!?!? If Colin Frissell can have his far-fetched American orgy on his first day in the good ole USofA, why can’t Laura Linney and KARL be happy? Why, Richard Curtis, why?!

Sorry. Those are spoilers. But if you haven’t seen “Love Actually” yet…your heart is cold and dead and you don’t deserve to celebrate Christmas with me.

I can’t help but realize that for every wonderful person in this Christmas classic, the movie is REPLETE with HORRIBLE people. I was rewatching it this Thanksgiving to get into the holiday spirit…and perhaps it’s the cynicism of the unending trash fire that is 2017 seeping into my heart, but for such a heart-warming movie, some characters are JUST THE WORST. However, since we can’t always have nice things, I present to you (sporadically and when I have time) the “25 Worst People in Love Actually.”

And yes, in a veritable cast of hundreds, there are some pretty horrific characters – big and small.

Let’s get on, shall we (sounds very British in my head) –

#25 – The girl in the pink who hates Uncle Jamie

Bottom left...she's THE WORST.

Uncle Jamie, played by Colin Firth, heads home for Christmas. His hands are FULL of bags FULL of gifts, probably for his nieces and nephews. We know he has brought brandy for the adults. Or, maybe he’s brought it for the kids. Maybe that will rank him as one of the even worse characters…or maybe one of the best. I mean, as a kid, would’ve been cool to get some booze from a British Uncle. As an adult, I wouldn’t argue if Colin Firth showed up to my door with a crap ton of brandy. I digress, fam.

I’m going to assume Uncle Jamie is an introvert. He enjoys alone time in his quaint French cabin. He looks utterly mortified as his family descends on him once he enters the house. I can imagine him thinking “I just want to sit in front of the fire in my chunky knit Fair Isle sweater and contemplate life and drink cocoa (spiked with brandy, obvi) and plan revenge on my girlfriend and brother for sleeping together behind my back.” Christmas will take everything out of him.

So, I can respect the fact Uncle Jamie decides he’d rather be in Portugal with the housekeeper with whom he has fallen in love and I respect his decision to leave the introvert’s nightmare that is his Mom’s house on Christmas. At the end of the day, he wants to shoot his shot (look it up…it’s a millennial term, and the entirety of “Love, Actually” is people just trying to shoot their shot, to be honest.)

So, HOW DARE YOU GIRL IN PINK WHO DECIDES TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF BABY JESUS BY SAYING “I HATE UNCLE JAMIE” EVEN AFTER HE HAS BROUGHT YOU PRESENTS. DO YOU ALSO HATE YOUR OTHER UNCLE WHO SLEPT WITH UNCLE JAMIE’S GIRLFRIEND!? I BET YOU DON’T BECAUSE HE BOUGHT YOUR AFFECTION WITH A NINTENDO SO (OR WHATEVER TECH WAS COOL WAY BACK IN 2003.)

So, nameless girl in the pink who hates her kind, introverted, heartbroken, handsome, in love Uncle Jamie…you are the 25th worst person in “Love Actually.”